Do you find yourself spending hours arguing and feeling angry and resentful after?
Are you wishing that you could utilize all that time arguing in a way that would be constructive? In a way that would leave you feeling connected with your partner?
Elizabeth Gilbert said that “if only I would have spent all my time arguing on learning new languages, I would be fluent in over 5 languages by now”. I can relate wholeheartedly to that. Our underlying intention of every argument is to create more connection and intimacy. I have found a method that brings you closer to that intention.
I first heard of the ‘Love Letter’ Method in the classic book by John Gray, Ph.D., Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus. While the essence of this method is from Gray’s book, I have added my own unique twist to it that I think you will like.
The next time you find yourself arguing for longer than 20 minutes, get out your journal and surrender to the Love Letter Method. The first time you try this method, your partner may be hesitant. if that happens, then lead by example and start the method yourself.
The Love Letter Method
One you have your pen and paper ready, follow this prompt and start writing:
Dear (Your Partners name),
First step: Admit your own anger. “ I feel angry because..”.
Second Step: Admit your own sadness and disappointment. “I feel sad and disappointed with myself about…”.
Third Step: Admit your own fear. “ I am fearful about..”.
Fourth Step: Admit your own Regret. If you don’t resonate with the word regret you can say, “I wish I would have been able to..” Or “I regret …”. I personally love the regret statement, even with my spiritual conditioning that everything happens for a purpose, because it allows us to take ownership and acknowledge our weakness.
Fifth Step: Share your love for the person and how grateful you are for them. Sometimes this step can take time, and if we don’t feel we are ready to share love and be gratitude for them its a great indicator that shows us we are not ready to interact with them.
Sixth Step: What do I want? What do I need? What could I give myself? What could my partner say or do that would make it better? This helps set us and our partners up to win.
Some of the mutual agreements for this letter could be:
- A promise to listen and not correct.
- A promise to respect my partners feelings and not deny them or make them wrong.
These agreements will help create empathetic understanding.
One way most relationships run into trouble is that one partner is communicating their feelings in a way that feels disrespectful to their partner. The main goal of using the love letter method is providing an opportunity to speak negatively perceived emotions in a safe way. This will help your partner or man be able to listen to your feelings.
If you would rather communicate in person versus writing that could be just as effective as creating the intimacy and connection you are wanting.
Let me know how this goes. Reach out and tell me what worked best.